Breckenridge, Colorado: A Foodie’s Brief Dining Guide

As evidenced by the mere creation of this blog, I am a foodie in every sense of the word. My happiness is largely dependent on the meals I eat (whoever said “money can’t buy happiness” never ate a gorgonzola-stuffed burger on a pretzel roll with a side of deep-fried pickles dipped in chipotle aioli, all washed down with a thick and frothy chocolate milkshake), and when I’m not gettin’ busy cooking and baking, I go out of my way to discover restaurants that elevate the experience of dining out. From establishments boasting Michelin stars to the dingiest of dives, I’ve found Heaven as it manifests on the prongs of a fork. Thus, as much as I love dirtying up my kitchen so I can write blog posts about tried-and-true recipes I’ve worked and reworked on my own, I have decided to give my food processor the day off and instead offer a fresh perspective on some of the fantastic places I’ve dined at recently.

In honor of all things snowy and adventuresome, today’s review features a brief dining guide to Breckenridge, Colorado.

Crêpes Á La Cart: The quintessential ski town cash cow

As you make your way down Breckenridge’s slippery Main Street, the sweet aroma of fruit and sugary fried batter wafts through the air so profoundly that only a cartoon pie sitting on a window ledge could emit a scent trail more palpable. With its adorably self-aware name and intoxicating sensory presence, Crêpes Á La Cart leaves little to the imagination: delicious crêpes made fresh in an antiquated food cart. Simple. Delicious. Brilliant.

During my six-night stay in Breckenridge, not once did I not see a line outside this perfect little grub shack spanning from ordering window, down the steps, and out onto the sidewalk. Pull on your ski gear and brave the wait in the cold; it is worth every chilly, anxious moment.

Sporting an extensive menu of crêpes ranging from the sweet to the savory (and some decadent ice-cream pairings spattered in between), Crêpes Á La Cart makes the decision making process more difficult than America’s compromise to avoid the Fiscal Cliff.

After several painstaking minutes of mulling over the menu and beebopping between the Strawberry Shortcake and the Funky French Monkey, I settled on the Bananas Foster crêpe. How can you go wrong with bananas flambéed in rum, butter, brown sugar, and Chantilly cream all wrapped up in the best gift we’ve ever received from France (sorry, New York, but your Statue of Liberty is nothing more than a consolation prize and phallus)?

This is the stuff that dreams are made of.

At about $7 – $10 a pop, these crêpes truly give you the bang for your buck. One bite and you’ll know what I mean.

Angel’s Hollow: The kitschy bar and restaurant

Who knew you could find a Chicago bar nestled in the Rocky Mountains? I’m not even a Bears fan, but the little slice of home hanging on this store front instantly drew me to Angel’s Hollow. Also, I was desperately hungry and the barbecue joint across the street looked like a tummy-ache waiting to happen.

So I walked right on in.

Upon entering this sassy establishment, you’re met with a ceiling littered with string lights and Illinois sports teams paraphernalia. Yes, even a framed Mark Prior Cubs jersey. Funny signs and tchotchkes deck the walls, a fully stocked bar claims its space in the back, and tables and chairs are crammed into every remaining square inch of the place. This is NOT the place to go for a quiet and intimate meal, nor is it a destination for five-star service, so you need to either adjust your expectations or GTFO.

Equal parts biker dive and sports bar, what Angel’s Hollow lacks in poise and refinement it makes up for with really, really good food.

My friends and I ordered the nacho appetizer to share, which ended up being the standout of the evening. The heaping plate of food the bitchy waitress presented to us redefined the experience of nacho consumption for me, and it all began with the nacho foundation: the chips. The chips at Angel’s Hollow are homemade and served hot. They are something between a pita chip and a tortilla chip that has been dusted with a light and flavorful seasoning. When you top said chips with homemade guacamole and salsa, high quality cheese, black beans, and crisp veggies, you end up with something so far beyond average nachos.

A condiment holster on the table gives you five unique hot sauce options: banana, blueberry, green, peach, and barbecue. Oh yeah, and they’re all made in house, so man up and squeeze some onto your nachos for deeper flavor complexity.

I ordered the blackened catfish as my entrée, and it did not disappoint; my only complaint is that there was waaay too much food on the plate and I couldn’t finish it all. Serving sizes on the whole at Angel’s Hollow are massive, so expect to doggy-bag part of your meal. Or not, if you’re up for Man vs. Food portions.

Le Petit Paris: The cozy date night destination

As its name suggests, Le Petit Paris truly makes you feel as though you’re dining at a quaint Parisian bistrot that pays homage in every way possible to France, its culture, and its history. The ambiance and the people are inviting while still upholding a sense of formality.

You are greeted at the door by a gentleman who takes your coats and guides you and your date to your crisp linen-covered table– this table will become an altar of worship for the next two hours as plate after plate of gastronomic perfection is set before you.

A knowledgable waitress tends to you promptly, explaining in detail the fine drink selections offered. She may linger encouragingly on the French Martini– I urge you to take the bait and order it. With raspberry vodka, Chambord, and pineapple juice, it makes for a lovely drink (though perhaps a bit strong if you’re a pansy like me).

The menu is a history book/list of offerings hybrid, featuring famous French faces and places alongside menu items as if to suggest, “Molten chocolate cake so good, even Marie Antoinette would eat it.” The menu also dons a small note requesting that cellphones not be used while dining at the restaurant. IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME. Call me old-fashioned, but I find it extremely rude and obnoxious when people have their cellphones out at the dinner table. I was raised to enjoy the food and company you keep during a meal; to aimlessly scroll through Facebook while dining with others is inexcusable… but I digress.

I tend to judge restaurants based in part on the bread that they serve. Le Petit Paris serves EXQUISITE French bread: crusty and flaky exterior, warm and soft inside, paired with lightly seasoned sweet butter. You had me at “bonjour.”

After yet another lengthy deliberation process, I chose to start with the goat cheese salad. The salad was served with two crostini slathered in green and black olive tapenades and another with goat cheese; I all but licked the plate clean, and the same can be said for my boyfriend’s French onion soup bowl.

For my main course, I selected the pan-seared trout, which included roasted tomatoes, almond beurre blanc, lemon garlic aioli, and a bed of lemon risotto. The fish was cooked perfectly through and the risotto was at once rich and refreshing. 2 for 2 in the Clean Plate Club.

My meal concluded with the molten chocolate cake. Garnished with sweet berries and side of creme Anglaise to drizzle over it, this cake makes even the poorest of peasants feel like a queen. Suffice it to say, this is the last thing I want to taste before I die. If I was from Paris, I would say “ooh-la-la.“

The restaurant is run by two sisters from Paris, one of whom is a pastry chef by training and makes all the desserts on the menu. The other sister works the floor, making polite conversation with patrons. These women are so sweet and talented, and have managed to build one of the best eateries I have EVER been to.

…and a few other hotspots worthy of mention.

Blue Moose Cafe: For a good ol’ greasy breakfast

Empire Burger: Order the BLT. For $7.00, you get half a pound of bacon on Texas toast

Breckenridge Brewery & Pub: Pulled pork sandwich. Burgers. Hell, it’s all good

German Chocolate Cake, Key Lime, Coconut: The Truffle Trifecta

Deadly sin #3: Gluttony

It’s funny that gluttony has long been considered a sin, and yet, today’s America is all but founded upon it. Nothing exposes this so poignantly as the holiday season. On Thanksgiving, the mythical tryptophan content of turkey gets scapegoated as the cause of your ensuing lethargy, but really, it’s the three pounds of mashed potatoes and a slab of pumpkin cheesecake that did you in, you lard-ass. On Christmas Eve, the cookies left out for Santa end up in Mommy and Daddy’s digestive tract because Santa’s lard-ass is too big to squeeze down the chimney to collect his earnings. On New Year’s Eve, you guzzle booze like a soccer mom SUV guzzles gas until you have champagne supernovas in your eyes. We might as well strap on our flame-retardant ballet slippers and dance our sugar-plum fairy dance straight on down to Hell.

This year’s Christmas Eve dessert spread at the Lindman household. Because we NEED a carrot cake, a spice cake, Funfetti cake batter truffles, AND assorted Christmas cookies.

The human capacity to get our eat on all began with our favorite original sinners… you know… that wildly popular couple who donned strategically placed leaves and nothing else. Back in the day, leaves weren’t slapped on to give the impression of modesty; their sole purpose was actually to shield Mr. Adam and Ms. Eve from rogue splashes of bacon grease, because in paradise, bacon grows from the earth as sizzling topiaries of goodness. And since they were also the original hipsters– sinning before sinning was cool and all– they could eat as much bacon as they damn well pleased without ever fearing judgment day.

…instead of leaves, it is now permissible to wear this apron while makin’ the bacon. Best Christmas present ever.

What I fail to understand is, since Adam and Eve so obviously pigged out on said bacon topiaries (and chocolate rivers and sugar ‘shrooms and peppermint tulips and marshmallow snow) during their stay in the oh-so-luxe Garden of Eden, why is it that one plump little apple sealed their fate?

AN APPLE.  Coat that apple in salted caramel and crushed pralines– or better yet, APPLEwood smoked bacon– and then maaaybe we will have found something worth dying for. If anyone’s up for amending the Bible to include an allegorical forbidden bacon slice instead of a forbidden fruit, I think the Christian faith might be able to convert a few more followers. Eat [bacon], pray [for bacon], love [bacon]. Confess your sins, wash bacon grease away, and repeat.

For those of you who are already believers, find something truly worth dying for in the trio of recipes below. Word on the street is, Hell is the new Heaven. Eat up.

DISCLAIMER: Sorry, no actual bacon today.

German Chocolate Cake Truffles

1 box Duncan Hines German Chocolate Cake mix (plus 3 large eggs and 1/2 cup vegetable oil)
1 cup evaporated milk
1 cup light brown sugar
3 egg yolks
1/2 cup (1 stick butter)
1 cup chopped pecans
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 1/3 cups flaked sweetened coconut
Melting chocolates
Chopped pecans to garnish

1. Bake cake according to directions on cake mix box

2. In a large saucepan combine evaporated milk, brown sugar, egg yolks, butter and vanilla. Cook over low heat, stirring constantly, until thick. Remove from heat and stir in pecans and coconut. Let cool to room temperature

3. Once cake has been removed from oven, allow to cool slightly and then break cake up into crumbs using a fork

4. Pour cake crumbs into a large bowl and mix in about half of the frosting mixture

5. Once cake and frosting is thoroughly mixed, roll “dough” into balls using the palms of your hands. Place dough balls on a cookie sheet covered in parchment paper

6. Allow dough balls to chill in the freezer for 30 minutes

7. Melt melting chocolates in the microwave in 30 second intervals, stirring in between each until fully melted.

8. Using a fork, dip dough balls in the chocolate until fully coated, tap the bottom of the fork against the bowl to remove excess chocolate. Garnish with pecan crumbs while chocolate is still wet

9. Allow truffles to dry, then store in an air-tight container until ready to serve

Key Lime Truffles

1/2 box Golden Oreos
4 ounces (half block) cream cheese
2 teaspoons Key Lime juice (add more for extra tartness)
1 cup powdered sugar
3 tablespoons milk (add more to get desired consistency)
4 blocks vanilla flavored almond bark
3 drops lime green food coloring
Graham cracker crumbs to garnish

1. Beat cream cheese until smooth in an electric mixer

2. Add Oreo’s and mix until blended

3. In a separate bowl, beat powdered sugar, milk, and food coloring and set aside

4. Roll truffle dough into 1-inch balls, place on a parchment paper-lined cookie sheet, and allow to chill in freezer for half an hour

5. Place almond bark in a microwave-safe bowl and melt in a microwave in 30 second intervals, stirring between each until fully melted

6. Using a fork, dip dough balls in the almond bark until fully coated, tap the bottom of the fork against the bowl to remove excess coating

7. Using a small spoon, drizzle the green icing over each truffle. Garnish with graham cracker crumbs while the icing is still wet

Coconut Cookie Dough Truffles

2 cups Nilla wafers
1 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup chopped walnuts
1/3 cup butter, melted
1/4 cup sweetened coconut milk
1 teaspoon coconut extract
3/4 cup sweetened flaked coconut
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
4 blocks vanilla flavored almond bark
Flaked coconut for garnish

1. Pulverize Nilla wafers, sugar, and walnuts in a food processor

2. Pour crumb mixture into a medium-sized mixing bowl

3. Add melted butter, coconut milk, coconut extract, coconut flakes, salt and flour and mix thoroughly

4. Using your hands, roll the dough into 1-inch balls and place on cookie sheet covered in parchment paper

5. Stick dough balls in the freezer for 20 minutes to harden

6. Melt almond bark in microwave-safe bowl in 30 second intervals until melted

7. Use a fork to dip chilled truffles into the almond bark. Shake off excess coating by tapping the bottom of the fork on the side of your bowl. Garnish with flaked coconut while the coating is still wet

*NOTE: I recommend storing truffles in an air-tight container in the refrigerator or freezer until right before serving. They tend to get a little mushy when left out at room temperature for an extended period of time.

Happy holidays!

Carrot Cake Sandwich Cookies

Sin #2: Pride

Pride parades. Hubris. National pride. Pride and Prejudice. Spirit Week. Fight songs (the only one that matters) and national anthems. Election campaigns. Saving face. Advertising. Publicity stunts. Shameless self-promotion. The 4th of July. Facebook.

Pride seems to permeate every facet of modern society, settling deep into the nooks and crannies and slowly expanding out until it it wraps its fingers tightly around young people with newly developed Freudian egos.

As toxic as pride can be, so too is the diminishment of pride. There is no clearer example of this than the overwhelming collective response of women everywhere to the annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. If you need proof, scroll through your Facebook newsfeed and start counting the statuses with melodramatic proclamations of “never eating again” or “working out ’til I pass out ❤ VS Fashion Show” littering cyberspace during and immediately following the airing of the show.

An hour slot on prime time television devoted to showcasing avant garde lingerie so kitschy and awkward that only models could pull it off seems harmless enough– particularly with its finely tuned appeal to both male and female audiences. However, the messages girls and women come away with can be pretty destructive.

Yes. It’s a Victoria’s Secret clown. Because nothing says “happy anniversary” to your honey like dressing up like a skanky clown.

Thin. Thinner. Thinnest. Starve and carve until you’re cut like a diamond. Diet. Detox. Purge (but don’t you dare think of bingeing). Hair extensions. Make-up. Jutting hip bones. Light as a feather. Let your body desiccate. Working out hours a day, every day. Counting calories until your world looks like this:

He has a beautiful mind. If you cut enough calories, you will have a beautiful body.

It’s a tale as old as the new millennium. It probably even dips back into the nineties.

I’m not here to stand on my perfectly poised I’m-a-recovering-anorexic soapbox, nor am I harkening back to my all-girls-boarding-school-feminist/liberal education. Nope. I’m just here to offer a different perspective.

The backlash the VS Fashion Show typically receives  touts messages along the lines of “thin is sickly,” “curves are so much more beautiful than stick figures,” and “the models need to go eat a cheeseburger.” These statements are offensive. But mostly, they perpetuate the sad dichotomous thinking that thin is either “perfect” or “anorexic.”

There are beautiful women of all shapes and sizes. Some women are naturally skinny, and to condemn them is just as damaging as it is to condemn a woman with a full figure. The point is to embrace what ya’ mama gave ya’. Eat when you’re hungry, stop when you’re full, get enough exercise to get an endorphin rush (because getting high off drugs is bad, kids, so get it the natural way), indulge when you won’t feel too guilty, don’t get caught up in trivial numbers like dress size and body mass index, and just LOVE YOURSELF. From what I’ve heard, it’s easy for a man to love you if you love yourself.

Perhaps it is some sort of social construct that has caused girls and women to derive the messages that they do from the VS Fashion Show. Or perhaps it is the fashion show itself that glamorizes extreme dieting while simultaneously suggesting that the sexiest of women have bodies that mirror those of the Angels. I really don’t know who or what is at fault, and I don’t really care.

All I want to do is take the motto, “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels,” and strike a line through it. What a load of donkey doo. If these are “inspirational words” you try (in vain) to live by, well, I dare you to bake these cookies and reassess.

Carrot Cake Sandwich Cookies

For the cookies:

1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
3/4 cup packed dark brown sugar
3/4 cup granulated sugar
2 large eggs
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
2 cups old-fashioned rolled oats
1 1/2 cup grated carrots – about 3 large carrots

For the filling:

2 sticks butter, softened
12 oz cream cheese (1 1/2 blocks), softened
8 cups confectioners sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract

1. In a mixer, beat butter and sugars on medium speed until light and fluffy

2. Add eggs and vanilla and beat on medium until fully incorporated

3. In a medium-sized bowl, sift together flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg and ginger with a wooden spoon

4. Gradually add bowl of dry ingredients to butter mixture, mixing on low until just combined

5. Mix in oats and carrots until fully incorporated.

7. Chill dough for four hours or overnight

8. Grease two baking sheets and preheat oven to 350 degrees F

9. Using your hands, roll dough into balls with a ~1 inch circumference and place on baking sheets (leave about two inches of space in between each– cookies will expand in the oven!)

10. Bake for 11-13 minutes

11. Transfer to a wire rack to cool

12. Combine butter, cream cheese, vanilla, and powdered sugar in a large bowl and beat with a hand mixer until fluffy

13. Spoon icing into a piping bag and pipe onto the bottom of a cookie, place another cooking on top to create a sandwich. Repeat with remaining cookies!

Sugar Cookie Dough Truffles

Deadly Sin #1: Lust

Typically, lust is portrayed as an adulterous, carnal desire. Sometimes the desired thing comes to fruition and sometimes it remains locked in its Pandora’s box, leaving the coveter to pine for it for a lifetime. Once that desired thing is obtained, the beholder eventually becomes disillusioned and so moves on to a new object of lust. It is cyclical and only ever temporarily fulfilling.

From the perspective of a self-proclaimed foodie, lust is that feeling you get when walking along Halsted in Chicago, lingering for a moment outside Alinea— one of the most acclaimed eateries on planet Earth. Supposedly, Alinea takes its guests on an epic  gastronomic adventure, teasing and tantalizing each and every tastebud on the tongue. Each of the upwards of twenty courses is, according to reviews, a masterpiece in both flavor and presentation, and elevates the experience of fine dining to something almost ethereal. At $210.oo a person, it had better be downright epiphanic and life-changing. But that’s the thing… the expectations are so great that even if it does materialize into an incredible meal, that lust will slowly dissipate once the final empty dessert plate is whisked away.

Lust is also the beginning of the end of every fairy tale gone wrong. Why scamper into that awesomely delicious-looking gingerbread house when you know a wicked witch is going to cook you in her La Cornue oven? If you had half a brain, you’d take your breadcrumbs and make blueberry bread pudding and save your ill-fated adventure for another time… or, you know, never.

Instead of lusting after what you don’t have, start loving the thing that’s yours to keep: this recipe, and the ensuing fruits of your labor.

Sugar Cookie Dough Truffles

For the truffles:

2 cups Nilla wafers
1 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup chopped walnuts
1/3 cup butter, melted
1/4 cup almond milk
1 teaspoon vanilla bean paste (available at Williams Sonoma (use vanilla extract if you’re cheaping out))
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup all-purpose flour
8 ounces vanilla flavored almond bark, melted

For the coating: 

8 ounces white almond bark
Tie dye sprinkles

1. Pulverize Nilla wafers, sugar, and walnuts in a food processor

2. Pour crumb mixture into a medium-sized mixing bowl

3. Add melted butter, almond milk, vanilla bean paste, salt and flour and mix thoroughly

4. Using your hands, roll the dough into 1-inch balls and place on cookie sheet covered in parchment paper

5. Stick dough balls in the freezer for 20 minutes to harden

6. Melt almond bark in microwave-safe bowl in 30 second intervals until melted

7. Use a fork to dip chilled truffles into the almond bark. Shake off excess coating by tapping the bottom of the fork on the side of your bowl. This process is a little tricky at first, but as you get going, you’ll get into a groove and your truffles will start looking more uniform.

8. Place truffles back on cookie sheet, shake sprinkles over them immediately before the coating hardens, and place back in the refrigerator for an another 15 minutes. Once truffles have hardened, place them in an airtight container and store them in the refrigerator until serving.

Snickerdoodle Cookie Cheesecake Bars with Waffle Cone & Brown Sugar Crunch Topping

This is a concise ode to all things excessive.

If you’ve ever watched an episode of Iron Chef America on the Food Network, you know that taking your ingredients and doing something simple and expected with them is most likely going to send you home. No one ever wins on account of chocolate cake, unless said cake is amped up with a hit of serrano chili heat and sprinkled with deep-fried grasshoppers coated in cinnamon and sugar on top. Anything less is child’s play.

Sure, there’s beauty in simplicity. But simplicity is the skanky ho-bag of the food world– it’s been done SO.. MANY.. TIMES. So why not go buck wild, layering flavors and textures in a way that has people furrowing their brows with a mixture of skepticism and intrigue?

This recipe is the product of an aimless venture into the grocery store. After wandering the aisles and scooping up items that collectively presented me with recipe potential, I  hurried home. Like a mad scientist without the hard years of trial and error and accidental monsters, I was eager to develop my recipe into a tangible creation, some assembly required.

This is what popped out of the oven:

Snickerdoodle Cookie Cheesecake Bars with Waffle Cone & Brown Sugar Crunch Topping

For the cookie crust (for a 9 x 13 baking pan):

1 (17.5 oz) pouch snickerdoodle cookie mix (I used Betty Crocker.. classic)
1/2 cup (one stick) butter, melted
2 Tbsp packed light brown sugar
1 pack instant vanilla pudding mix
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 large egg

For the cheesecake:

2 (8 oz) blocks cream cheese, room temperature
1/2 cup sour cream
1/2 cup granulated sugar
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 large egg and 3 egg yolks

For the crunch topping:

4 waffle bowls (located in the ice-cream toppings section)
1/3 cup brown sugar
2 Tablespoons butter, melted

1. Preheat oven to 350° F

2. Lightly coat a 9 x 13 baking pan with cooking spray

3.  Mix cookie mix, pudding mix, brown sugar, melted butter,  vanilla and egg with a wooden spoon. Once dough starts to come together, knead with hands

4. Press cookie dough into the bottom of the pan with your fingers, allowing the dough to rise slightly up the sides

5. Beat cream cheese, granulated sugar, sour cream, egg and egg yolks, and vanilla in a large bowl with a hand mixer until smooth

6. Pour the cream cheese mixture over the cookie dough in the pan and even out with a spatula

7. Bake for 26-30 minutes, until center is set

8. While bars are in the oven, grind waffle bowls in a food processor

9. Add brown sugar and melted butter and process until just mixed

10. As soon as you pull the bars out of the oven, sprinkle the crunch coating on top so it can set

11. Allow bars to cool for 45 minutes, then cover with plastic wrap and transfer to refrigerator to cool overnight (it will take a while for cheesecake center to solidify)

12. Cut into squares and serve. I found these are actually best served frozen!

Lucky Charms Cupcakes with Marshmallow Buttercream

Where did all the sugary cereals of my youth go? TV channels abound used to be LITTERED with the adorable mugs of Toucan Sam, the Cookie Crisp Burglar, and that silly Trix Rabbit. The Cinnamon Toast Crunch section of the cereal aisle at the grocery story used to span from floor to ceiling, seven deep and ten across on each shelf. Puffs that turned your milk into liquid chocolatey goodness used to be a universally accepted meal choice. YOU COULD EAT MARSHMALLOWS FOR BREAKFAST.

Somewhere between our country’s slide into the Fat Farm and Michelle Obama’s meek attempts to “fix” the childhood obesity epidemic, my beloved toy-stuffed boxes of love became a thing of the past. Like an endangered species, a stingy sprinkling of Lucky Charms boxes sit on store shelves, losing a battle for the limelight to the high-fiber sugar-free bran buds and the cereals fortified with every vitamin and mineral under the sun. Sure, the sugary cereals still exist, but putting a box in your shopping cart and toting it on over to the checkout line is more akin to some sort of public shaming than a simple purchase.

Now, the thought of an obese six-year-old with rotten teeth disturbs me just as much as the next guy, but c’monnn… a little Fruity Pebbles never hurt anyone. Hell, one bowl of Reeses Puffs for breakfast every single day for five years never hurt anyone. And while we’re on the subject, New York, Big Gulps never hurt anyone either. So do us all a favor and overturn your stupid ban on sodas served in 16+ oz helpings– it’s an entirely misguided effort. If I’m jonesing for a Diet Dewski, I’ll buy a twelve-pack.

Cereal doesn’t kill people– serial killers do.

And now, for a moment of nostalgia…:

My fellow babies of the 80s and children of the 90s, do you remember when you could eat Lucky Charms WHILE watching the Disney Channel original movie, Luck of the Irish? An epic collide of magical deliciousness and a heartwarming sports story? Did it not blow your mind?

To bring the sugar and magic back to life over a decade later, I decided to inject cupcakes with some Lucky Charms cereal. And, if you must know, the evening I served said cupcakes, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish decimated the Oklahoma Sooners to maintain their still-undefeated record in the college football world. If that isn’t a modern Luck of the Irish tale, then I don’t know what is.

Go Irish!

Lucky Charms Cupcakes with Marshmallow Buttercream

For the cupcakes (makes 24):

1 box white cake mix (I like Duncan Hines brand)
3 large eggs
3/4 cup sour cream (do NOT use “light,” “reduced fat,” or “fat free” !)
3/4 cup whole milk
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
½ cup finely crushed Lucky Charms (cereal pieces only, no marshmallows)
26 drops green food coloring

For the buttercream:

4 1/2 cupas powdered sugar
1 (13 oz) jar Marshmallow Fluff
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted sweet cream butter, softened
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
4 oz (1/2 block) cream cheese
Gold crystal sprinkles and Lucky Charms marshmallows to top

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F and place cupcake liners in a cupcake pan

2. Whisk together cake mix, sour cream, eggs, milk, oil, and vanilla extract in a large bowl until smooth

3. Mix in drops of green food coloring until desired shade of green is reached

4. Pulverize Lucky Charms cereal in a mini food processor and add to batter, mix well

5. Fill cupcake liners 3/4 full and bake for 19-22 minutes

6. Remove cupcakes from oven and place on a wire cooling rack

7. While cupcakes are cooling, mix together fluff, butter, powdered sugar, vanilla, and cream cheese in a medium-sized bowl with a hand-held mixer

8. Pipe buttercream onto cooled cupcakes, dust with sprinkles, and place one Lucky Charms marshmallow on top of each right before serving (*marshmallows will become soggy if placed on cupcakes and stored for a long period of time)

Sparkling Cider Pound Cake with Cinnamon & Sparkling Cider Glaze

With holiday season fast approaching, we all find ourselves stuck in some variation of a tenuous relationship with food.

Some of us fear putting on the so-called “holiday pounds” so greatly that we have to create a damage-avoidance plan with a built-in “just say no” policy in regards to… well, pretty much everything that isn’t weight management friendly.

Others of us revel in the pies and cookies and third helpings of gravy-drenched mashed potatoes, throwing caution to the wind and rationalizing our decisions by resolving to join a gym on January 1st. Come January, we make the gym visits just routine enough to get our lazy, squishy asses back to the way they were before our annual day-after-Halloween-70%-off-bags-of-candy shopping spree. We say goodbye to the gym shortly thereafter, and only return about a month before Halloween so we can see to it that we look like, so totally hot in our sexy hamburger costume on the 31st.

The rest of us find ourselves in an epic tug-of-war between the two opposing philosophies; we ricochet back and forth between self-discipline and pure gluttony like a pinball diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder, weaving in and out of guilt and pleasure and sometimes feeling both at once.

Regardless of where you stand on the spectrum of holiday-induced disordered eating, each and every last one of us has what I like to call an “exception food.” An exception food is that one irresistible thing that you can’t refuse when you’re trying to behave, and that food that moves you to consume excessive amounts of it even when you’re being naughty. When you close your eyes and envision the holidays, a neon flashing image of this food sears itself onto the canvas of your inner eyelids. It is your Achilles’ heel, your deepest desire, and, whatever it is, it replaces the sugar plum fairies that dance in your head.

For me, it’s apple cider. Cider doughnuts, cider cupcakes, sparkling cider, spiced cider, baked apples drizzled in a cider glaze– really, just apple cider in any of its innumerable manifestations.

Minus a deep fryer and unwilling to make a baked-instead-of-fried version of cider doughnuts (thereby compromising the overall integrity of said cider doughnuts), I decided to pop a bottle of bubbly [cider] and try something new.

Sparkling Cider Pound Cake with Cinnamon & Sparkling Cider Glaze

For the pound cake (adapted from chef-n-training):

1/2 cup (one stick) sweet cream unsalted butter, softened

1/4 cup shortening

2 eggs

1 1/2 cups refined sugar

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon baking powder

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

1/2 cup sparkling apple cider (I used Martinelli’s brand)

For the glaze:

1 1/2 cups powdered sugar

1/4 teaspoon cinnamon

1/4 cup sparkling apple cider

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F

2. Grease and flour a 9″ x 5″ loaf pan

3. Combine butter, sugar, and shortening in a medium bowl and beat with a hand-held mixer, add eggs one at a time, mixing in between

4. In a separate small bowl, pour flour, salt, and baking powder; stir until mixed

5. Slowly add contents of small bowl to the bowl containing wet ingredients, beat with mixer until thoroughly incorporated

6. Add sparkling cider and mix

7. Pour batter into loaf pan, bake for 35-40 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the cake comes out clean

8. Allow to cool for 10 minutes, and then remove from pan and transfer to a wire cooling rack

9. In a medium bowl, whisk together sparkling cider, cinnamon, and powdered sugar

10. Drizzle glaze over cooled loaf

11. Allow glaze to set, then wrap loaf in Saran wrap and foil and store in refrigerator (I actually like to freeze mine until serving– that way, it stays fresh!)

*Top with two cinnamon sticks when ready to serve for pretty presentation

Cake Batter Martini: The only way to survive election season.

I tried valiantly to resist going off on a diatribe about this, but I just couldn’t…

For the love of all that is candy-coated and butter-drenched, why have we all decided that, since it’s election season, we can indulge in ruthless attacks against anyone who doesn’t share the same political beliefs that we do?

Perhaps most oxymoronic are those of us who claim to be “liberal.” I’m not talking about all self-professed liberals– but I am addressing a significant number of you who ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Since when is it okay to stand up for the rights of certain populations (low-income, gay, female) while simultaneously threatening to draw blood from anyone who doesn’t feel compelled to vote for Obama/Biden? I guess that old saying, “if you aren’t liberal when you’re young, you have no heart; if you aren’t conservative when you’re older, you have no brain,” can’t even hold true as far as your hearts are concerned, as any person with heart wouldn’t so berate another group of people simply because their views differ from his or her own. This is the hate that fuels wars and genocides.

Frankly, the hate goes both ways across party lines, and regardless of political affiliation it’s just not okay.

A nation divided, indeed.

Newsflash, America: all politicians lie. Don’t you understand that the ever-controversial debates are not intended to present truths, but rather to show the respective candidates’ abilities to effectively support an argument? Persuasive speaking. It’s an art, not unlike the art of bullshitting. Actually, that’s exactly what it is. It’s been a long time since any candidate has actually reflected reality in a debate. Actually, I’m not really sure reality has EVER been reflected in a presidential or vice presidential debate. So quit your griping about so-and-so being a “liar.” They all are, you naive bigot.

All I want is freedom, a little peace and love, and everyone to work on that whole “agree to disagree” business. But ’til then, we might as well pour ourselves a glass, drink deep, and enjoy alcohol-induced warm fuzzies, because it may be the only solace we get for a while.

Cake Batter Martini

(makes 2 martinis, or just 1 if you’re VERY thirsty– that said, I do NOT condone drinking alone!)

3 oz Three Olives Cake Vodka
2 oz white/clear creme de cacao (I used Torani brand)
2 oz amaretto
2 oz heavy whipping cream
1 oz Godiva white chocolate liqueur
1 oz vanilla flavoring syrup (I again used Torani brand)

…and sprinkles!

1. Combine all wet ingredients in a shaker and shake well for about 20 seconds

2. Pour sprinkles onto a shallow plate that’s slightly wider than the rim of the martini glass

3. Dampen a paper towel with a little extra heavy whipping cream and coat the rim of the glass

4. Place rim down in sprinkles and twist until sprinkles stick

5. Pour contents in shaker into a martini glass, and immediately drop sprinkles around the outer edges to get pretty color streaks!

If you drink enough, Joe Biden might seem ALMOST classy. Oh, wait. My bad. NIDA just called and informed me that according to recent studies, all the mind-altering substances in the world are not enough to dismiss Mr. Vice President’s lack of poise, eloquence, or respectability.

…if you need more than booze to get you through the election. Bonus: the icing is BLUE.

Iced Crystallized Ginger Biscotti

Historically, biscotti has been known as a twice-baked Italian almond biscuit, typically served with coffee for breakfast. As with most Italian foods, America has made a perversion of it, turning it into something sweeter, softer (read: mo’ BUTTAH, bitches), and more dessert-like than it’s brittle, traditional counterpart; I don’t really see a problem with this. In the good ol’ US of A, we breed a philosophy of go big or go home, and if that means coating biscotti in a milk-based fondant, then so be it.

My fellow foodie friends may venture to disagree with me, but I have to hand it to America– we do a good job of taking simple fare with foreign origins, injecting it with a healthy dose of fat and sassiness, and ultimately yielding a new and improved product that makes your taste receptors do it Gangnam Style.

Take, for instance, pizza. Pizza became a “thing” in the late 19th century in Naples, Italy. Since then, it’s spread like a raging case of herpes throughout the first, second, and even third worlds.

Since I currently reside in the Windy City, I’ll pander to my Chicago constituency and focus on deep-dish Chicago-style pies. Aside from the basic ingredient foundation of crust, cheese, and tomato sauce, our Chicago-style goods bear little resemblance to their thin, delicate Italian granddaddy. Instead of leaving you pleasantly full, dining at Chicago pizza joints like Lou Malnati’s, Giordano’s, and Gino’s East makes you feel disconcertingly like a foie gras goose right after a good gavage. Overwhelming lethargy and pains comparable to those you feel after a Thanksgiving binge are both symptomatic of a Chicago pizza outing, for which the only antidote is sleeping it off. BUT THAT IS THE BEAUTY OF IT.

Straddling the line between pain and pleasure is the American way.

Okay, now back to biscotti. Admittedly, the first time I ever enjoyed biscotti dates back only to 2007.  My family and I had just finished one of the most incredible meals of our lives at Imágo, a Michelin starred restaurant on the panoramic sixth floor of the Hassler Hotel, situated at the top of the Spanish Steps in Rome. We’re talking, avocado foam (not mousse– FOAM) and an intermezzo, among a host of other exquisite dining details that exist exclusively in the fancy/fabulous restaurant bag of tricks. Along with a sizable bill came two delicate take-out boxes filled to their respective brims with anise and allspice bite-sized biscotti. We passed the boxes around, reveling in the simple pleasure of extending our gastronomic escapades beyond the dessert we had already ordered and devoured. For the rest of our time in Rome, what remained of the biscotti became more coveted than any and every flavor of gelato from one of the multitudes of gelaterias speckling the cobblestone Roman streets.

The Italians did it SO right. Color me an egocentric American… but I think I just did it better.

Iced Crystallized Ginger Biscotti

For the biscotti (makes 22-28)

2 1/4 cups flour
2 eggs
1 cup sugar
1/3 cup brown sugar
1/3 cup butter, melted
1 teaspoon molasses
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1/3 cup crystallized ginger (I used GingerPeople brand)
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon
1 1/4 teaspoons ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1/4 teaspoon allspice

For the glaze (not an exact science. I didn’t measure at all, so feel free to play around ’til you get the consistency you want!)

2 cups confectioner’s sugar
1/4 cup whole milk
1 1/2 teaspoons pure almond extract

1. Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees F and grease a baking sheet

2. Blend white and brown sugars,  butter, eggs, molasses and vanilla and a mixer

3. Stift in flour, salt, baking powder, cinnamon, ground ginger, cloves and allspice until fully incorporated

4. Stir crystallized ginger into dough with a wooden spoon

I’m guilty of selecting this brand simply because of the cuteness factor. That’s strategic marketing, for ya’.

5. Roll/spread dough out on a baking sheet to a thickness of about 1/2 inch

6. Use a butter knife to create perforations in the dough

7. Bake for 25-30 minutes (I made mine a little thicker, so closer to 30 minutes was appropriate)

8. Allow biscotti to cool, and separate completely along perforations

9. Pour confectioner’s sugar, milk, and almond extract into a mixing bowl and mix with a handheld mixer (add more sugar/milk until desired consistency is reached!)

10. Drizzle a thick layer of glaze over each cookie and top with bits of crystallized ginger.

11. Store in freezer to stay fresh, but biscotti are best served at room temperature!

Tell your Wheaties to screw off– this is the new breakfast of champions.

Saffron and Porcini Mushroom Risotto

As daylight begins to wane sooner and the outdoor air gets a little cooler, there’s a natural inclination in all of us to turn to comfort food to keep our minds at ease.

Different foods fit the bill as comfort food for different people, but there are a few common threads: comfort food is always served hot, errs on the side of rich and hearty, and most varieties seem like menu items at eateries featured on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.

Think: hush puppies, biscuits and gravy, 4-cheese mac n’ cheese, and a steaming bread-bowl full of chili.

However, there’s a time and a place to turn your kitchen into Hillbilly Hog Heaven. That time is most of the time, save for those rare occasions when you want to stay classy, San Diego. I’m talking about those times when an attractive man has given you two tickets to the gun show, and in order to reciprocate with an equally kind gesture, you want to cook him something with soul AND sex appeal.

Listen up, ladies. I may not have all the answers in life, but I do know one thing: the key to a man’s heart is to feed him comfort food that at once impresses and delights him. I know I risk setting the feminist movement back about sixty years by saying this (also, sorry, Miss Porter’s School, and please don’t revoke my high school diploma), but yeah, women will probably always have a place in the kitchen… so you might as well embrace it!

The kitchen is meant to be your playroom and your laboratory, not your prison. And it’s certainly not meant to be a place that makes your guy uneasy whenever you walk into it. If you EVER feed your man tofurkey, quinoa “burgers,” or gluten-free fat-free pasta tossed in I Can’t Believe It’s Not Real Butter spray, or make him choke down a bottle of Skinny Girl cosmo with you, don’t be surprised when he eventually sends you the good ol’ breakup text. A good man deserves a good woman who makes him good food, just as a good woman deserves a good man who makes her smile. Don’t be afraid of failing in the kitchen, because we all do sometimes. But you have to try… and trying doesn’t come in the form of anything in the latest crash diet uber-vegan cookbook for people who hate anything that tastes good.

What I’m trying to say is, with a dish like saffron and porcini risotto simmering on the stove, your man will, with the first bite, be whisked off to Pleasure Town, where he’ll be pointing out the most glorious rainbow ever.. and, well, you know what happens next.

You might not know this, but even Ron Burgundy endorses this recipe.

Saffron and Porcini Mushroom Risotto

Dehydrated porcini mushrooms
3 1/2 cups chicken broth
3 cups water
4 Tablespoons (1/2 stick) unsalted butter
1/2 yellow onion, minced
Salt & pepper
2 cups Arborio rice
1/4 teaspoon lightly crumbled saffron threads
1 cup dry white wine
2 ounces Parmesan cheese, grated (1 cup)
Parsley

1. Rehydrate porcini mushrooms in a small bowl of water for 30 minutes, rinse and dry when done

2. Bring broth and water to a simmer in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat

3. Once simmering, cover and keep broth warm over low heat

4. Melt butter in a separate medium saucepan over medium heat

5. Add onion and 1/2 teaspoon salt to pan with butter and cook until lightly browned, about 9 minutes

6. Stir in the rice and saffron threads and cook until the edges begin to turn translucent, about 3 minutes

7. Add wine and cook, stirring frequently, until it is completely absorbed, about 2 minutes

8. Add 3 cups of the warm broth mixture to the rice and bring to a simmer, stirring occasionally until the liquid is absorbed, about 11 minutes

9. Continue to cook, stirring in roughly 1/2 cup of the broth every few minutes, until the rice is cooked through but is still somewhat firm in the center, about 11 minutes (about 6 minutes in, add porcini mushrooms)

10. Stir in parmesan and parsley (finely chopped), and season to taste with salt and pepper

11. *OPTIONAL: I poured about a 1/2 cup whole milk into the pan right at the end, allowing the heat to help the rice absorb it. It made it extra rich and creamy!

Pairs nicely with beef tenderloin steaks drizzled in gorgonzola sauce… Especially when sandwiched between bacon-wrapped dates as an appetizer and old fashioned ice-cream sundaes for dessert!