Deadly sin #3: Gluttony
It’s funny that gluttony has long been considered a sin, and yet, today’s America is all but founded upon it. Nothing exposes this so poignantly as the holiday season. On Thanksgiving, the mythical tryptophan content of turkey gets scapegoated as the cause of your ensuing lethargy, but really, it’s the three pounds of mashed potatoes and a slab of pumpkin cheesecake that did you in, you lard-ass. On Christmas Eve, the cookies left out for Santa end up in Mommy and Daddy’s digestive tract because Santa’s lard-ass is too big to squeeze down the chimney to collect his earnings. On New Year’s Eve, you guzzle booze like a soccer mom SUV guzzles gas until you have champagne supernovas in your eyes. We might as well strap on our flame-retardant ballet slippers and dance our sugar-plum fairy dance straight on down to Hell.
The human capacity to get our eat on all began with our favorite original sinners… you know… that wildly popular couple who donned strategically placed leaves and nothing else. Back in the day, leaves weren’t slapped on to give the impression of modesty; their sole purpose was actually to shield Mr. Adam and Ms. Eve from rogue splashes of bacon grease, because in paradise, bacon grows from the earth as sizzling topiaries of goodness. And since they were also the original hipsters– sinning before sinning was cool and all– they could eat as much bacon as they damn well pleased without ever fearing judgment day.
What I fail to understand is, since Adam and Eve so obviously pigged out on said bacon topiaries (and chocolate rivers and sugar ‘shrooms and peppermint tulips and marshmallow snow) during their stay in the oh-so-luxe Garden of Eden, why is it that one plump little apple sealed their fate?
AN APPLE. Coat that apple in salted caramel and crushed pralines– or better yet, APPLEwood smoked bacon– and then maaaybe we will have found something worth dying for. If anyone’s up for amending the Bible to include an allegorical forbidden bacon slice instead of a forbidden fruit, I think the Christian faith might be able to convert a few more followers. Eat [bacon], pray [for bacon], love [bacon]. Confess your sins, wash bacon grease away, and repeat.
For those of you who are already believers, find something truly worth dying for in the trio of recipes below. Word on the street is, Hell is the new Heaven. Eat up.
DISCLAIMER: Sorry, no actual bacon today.
German Chocolate Cake Truffles
1 box Duncan Hines German Chocolate Cake mix (plus 3 large eggs and 1/2 cup vegetable oil)
1 cup evaporated milk
1 cup light brown sugar
3 egg yolks
1/2 cup (1 stick butter)
1 cup chopped pecans
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 1/3 cups flaked sweetened coconut
Chopped pecans to garnish
1. Bake cake according to directions on cake mix box
2. In a large saucepan combine evaporated milk, brown sugar, egg yolks, butter and vanilla. Cook over low heat, stirring constantly, until thick. Remove from heat and stir in pecans and coconut. Let cool to room temperature
3. Once cake has been removed from oven, allow to cool slightly and then break cake up into crumbs using a fork
4. Pour cake crumbs into a large bowl and mix in about half of the frosting mixture
5. Once cake and frosting is thoroughly mixed, roll “dough” into balls using the palms of your hands. Place dough balls on a cookie sheet covered in parchment paper
6. Allow dough balls to chill in the freezer for 30 minutes
7. Melt melting chocolates in the microwave in 30 second intervals, stirring in between each until fully melted.
8. Using a fork, dip dough balls in the chocolate until fully coated, tap the bottom of the fork against the bowl to remove excess chocolate. Garnish with pecan crumbs while chocolate is still wet
9. Allow truffles to dry, then store in an air-tight container until ready to serve
Key Lime Truffles
1/2 box Golden Oreos
4 ounces (half block) cream cheese
2 teaspoons Key Lime juice (add more for extra tartness)
1 cup powdered sugar
3 tablespoons milk (add more to get desired consistency)
4 blocks vanilla flavored almond bark
3 drops lime green food coloring
Graham cracker crumbs to garnish
1. Beat cream cheese until smooth in an electric mixer
2. Add Oreo’s and mix until blended
3. In a separate bowl, beat powdered sugar, milk, and food coloring and set aside
4. Roll truffle dough into 1-inch balls, place on a parchment paper-lined cookie sheet, and allow to chill in freezer for half an hour
5. Place almond bark in a microwave-safe bowl and melt in a microwave in 30 second intervals, stirring between each until fully melted
6. Using a fork, dip dough balls in the almond bark until fully coated, tap the bottom of the fork against the bowl to remove excess coating
7. Using a small spoon, drizzle the green icing over each truffle. Garnish with graham cracker crumbs while the icing is still wet
Coconut Cookie Dough Truffles
2 cups Nilla wafers
1 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup chopped walnuts
1/3 cup butter, melted
1/4 cup sweetened coconut milk
1 teaspoon coconut extract
3/4 cup sweetened flaked coconut
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
4 blocks vanilla flavored almond bark
Flaked coconut for garnish
1. Pulverize Nilla wafers, sugar, and walnuts in a food processor
2. Pour crumb mixture into a medium-sized mixing bowl
3. Add melted butter, coconut milk, coconut extract, coconut flakes, salt and flour and mix thoroughly
4. Using your hands, roll the dough into 1-inch balls and place on cookie sheet covered in parchment paper
5. Stick dough balls in the freezer for 20 minutes to harden
6. Melt almond bark in microwave-safe bowl in 30 second intervals until melted
7. Use a fork to dip chilled truffles into the almond bark. Shake off excess coating by tapping the bottom of the fork on the side of your bowl. Garnish with flaked coconut while the coating is still wet
*NOTE: I recommend storing truffles in an air-tight container in the refrigerator or freezer until right before serving. They tend to get a little mushy when left out at room temperature for an extended period of time.