From age twelve to twenty-four, I avoided red meat, pork, and really anything that fell under the “meat” category except chicken and fish. One day, I was what they refer to in the Bible as “saved.” That is, I was taken by the hand and led into a classy little establishment called Five Guys. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about: juicy burgers made to order, greasy paper bags brimming over with fries, and a minimalist decor you can’t help but appreciate– potato sacks and all.
I stood at the cash register, my voice wavering as I ordered my first cheeseburger in over a decade. My palms were sweaty, my throat was dry, and my hands shook as I lifted the burger to my mouth. As soon as that first bite hit my tastebuds, euphoria washed over me and little cows danced in my head. I’m pretty sure God even managed to beacon down a ray of light in the middle of the restaurant, bathing my burger in its heavenly glow.
I’ve never been the same. I now spend part of every day of my life wanting a burger. Bacon-wrapped, gorgonzola-stuffed, fried-pickle-laden– I like it any way I can get it.
There is NOTHING better than a burger.
Burgers bring two people together like a ketchup-stained arrow shot by Cupid. Remember the scene in Lady & the Tramp when the pups share a noodle? The original cartoon actually portrayed them gnawing on either side of a Big Mac, but due to copyright infringement, Disney had to rework it as generic spaghetti.
If you look closely, the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel is adorned with tiny painted kobe beef sliders in between the cherubs. Most of the paint has now eroded, but hey, at least Michelangelo had it right: eating burgers gets you closer to God.
Burgers are the standard by which any other sandwich (that is, anything stuffed between two pieces of delicious carbs) is measured. Except every other sandwich falls short. Especially veggie burgers. If you are one of those veggie burger eating types, you best get your in-denial badonkadonk over to a confessional ASAP because there’s a good chance you’re goin’ to Hell. A veggie patty as a viable substitute for 85% lean ground beef?! Over my dead body.
Once upon a time, Five Guys and Sprinkles had a baby.
1 1/2 (3 sticks) cups butter room temperature
2 1/2 cups granulated sugar
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
3/4 teaspoon no-color almond extract
3 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup milk
…and sesame seeds to finish
For the “burger” (chocolate buttercream):
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened
8 oz cream cheese, softened
3/4 cup cocoa powder
2-3 cups powdered sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
For the “toppings:”
1 cup sweetened shredded coconut
Green food coloring
Red and yellow decorative gel icing (I used Wilton brand)
2/3 cup marshmallow creme
1. Preheat oven to 350°F and place cupcake liners in cupcake pan
2. Cream butter and sugar in mixer until light and fluffy
3. Add eggs one at a time, mixing thoroughly after each
4. Mix in vanilla and almond extracts
5. Mix flour with baking powder and salt
6. Add flour mixture a little at a time until fully incorporated
7. Add milk and mix
8. Pour into cupcake liners
9. Sprinkle with sesame seeds
10. Bake for 20-22 minutes, or until golden brown
11. Let cool on wire rack
1. Beat butter and cream cheese until light, scraping bowl as needed
2. Add cocoa powder, powdered sugar, and vanilla extract and beat until smooth. If too thick, add a tablespoon of milk. If too thin, add more powdered sugar.
3. Remove cupcake liners and cut off tops of cupcakes
4. Pipe buttercream onto the bottom half of the “bun”
1. Dump coconut into bowl
2. Drop 4-5 drops of green food dye onto coconut and stir thoroughly
3. Drizzle yellow and red gel icing on top of chocolate butter cream
4. Sprinkle green coconut on top of icing
5. Place a small dollop of marshmallow cream on top half of “bun”
6. Place cupcake top back on cupcake bottom gently
7. Store in an airtight container in the refrigerator!